Helping Children Cope with Trauma
1. What Kids Think at Certain Ages:
Preschool (3-5y) Images of fires, smoke and hurt people equals something big and powerful and very BAD. They pick up on parents/adults fears and anxieties without anyone having to say a word. Their misconceptions often leave them very confused and unable to know what is real and what is fantasy.
School Age (6-8y) Concerned about their own and their families safety. They fear that something will happen to them personally or their family/friends.
(8-11y) They are most at risk for emotional problems due to fear because they understand the reality of the situation, but have difficulty with society's concept of violence.
2. Minimize News Watching. If your child does watch the news on TV, closely watch for their reaction to what they are seeing. Younger children will not be able to verbally express a reaction, but may show discomfort by looking away or squirming.
A good response would be: That looks pretty scary. I'm glad we are safe at home (or wherever) and what you are seeing is happening very far away. Be prepared to answer honestly any questions or respond to any comments your child may have, but don't give them more information than they are seeking. Let them guide you with their questions as well as their actions.
Try to watch the news in moderation by not having the TV on all day long. This really overexposes children to too much information, and gives them the signal that YOU are extremely concerned, which may enhance your child's fears.
3. Limit Adult Conversations Regarding the Attack. An important way for most adults to deal with such a tragedy is to talk about it with family or friends, but some conversation is inappropriate to be had in front of younger children. It is important to closely watch what you say in front of children; never take for granted that they are not listening, or that they do not understand what you are saying. Children can take bits and pieces of conversations and create misconceptions that often are more scary than the real information. Limiting adult conversation in front of children will help prevent magical thinking which may lead to greater fears.
4. Acknowledge Their Fears and Offer Reassurances. A sense of security is very important to children of all ages. During violent conflict, children need reassurance that their personal world is safe. Oftentimes, they may not verbally express having fears, but that does not mean that they don't have fears and concerns. A good start for a discussion could be, I know that you may feel a little scared by the hijacking and crashing of the airplanes, but you will be okay. I (We) are here to protect you and take care of you like we always have.
Older children also need this kind of reassurance, but you can go into more detail about specific fears that they might be having. It is always okay for you to initiate conversations about news stories that may be troublesome to those children viewing or hearing them. Acknowledging your own feelings, such as fear, anger and sadness, is very appropriate, and gives them permission to have such feelings also.
5. Monitor Children's Play and Verbal Statements Regarding the Attack. Children will often use play as a means to work through intense feelings. Fantasy play with such items as toy guns or soldiers, as well as a certain degree of roughhousing, offers children an acceptable outlet for their aggressive tendencies. If your child plays with aggressive toys and games to the exclusion of everything else, encourage them to redirect to other more physical activities such as soccer, bicycling, etc. They may also produce artwork that may show graphic violence that they have seen on TV. Again, this a means of expressing intense feelings, and is normal.
6. Watch for Marked Stress. All children exposed to this incident will show some concern about what has happened, especially because it happened within the U.S. They may ask numerous questions, seem somewhat preoccupied with news, or draw many pictures of plane crashes, fires, hurt people/ambulances, even cemeteries. This behavior is very normal and to be expected during a time of crisis.
Some children, however, may show a great deal of anxiety. Especially if they have a family member who is in the military, or who lives close to one of the tragedy sites. Their concern may show itself in physical symptoms such as bed wetting, sleep disturbances, change in eating habits, fear of being alone vs. wishing to spend more time alone, or even regressive behavior. Regressive behavior is when a child starts to act like they are a younger age, for example, a toddler who has been potty trained, and now is having frequent bathroom accidents. If such uncharacteristic behavior persists for more than a few weeks, professional help may need to be sought. Talk to your pediatrician for recommendations on how to handle the situation.
7. Avoid Making False Promises: Although you can reassure children that they are safe, and that this is all happening far away, it is important to try to avoid making promises that you may not be able to live up to. This is an uncertain world in which we live, and there are no guarantees that something won't happen to you personally. Again, acknowledging that is scary for everyone, even adults, is a good start to answering questions or discussing the tragic events. It is good to remind children that there are people whose specific job is to help keep us all safe, and that they are doing their best. You can also say, "The best thing we can do is to live our lives just as we always do and try not to worry."
Resource: Dumas, Lynne (1992) Talking With Your Child About a Troubled World